Wednesday, January 24, 2018

Fighting the Creative Muse


Rainy Day at the Beach
Since retiring in June, I have been having a fun, engaged life, and I love it. Although I have been careful to not agree to many regularly scheduled obligations this first year so as to avoid replicating my previous over-scheduled work life, I have been pretty active.

For example, in the last couple of weeks, I have done the following: completed second language lessons in German or French daily, attended yoga twice a week, gone skiing twice, made a weekend trip to Vancouver to attend the Canadian national figure skating competition and visit friends, volunteered for a local service group, made arrangements to join a group of local artists, made plans to join a local social club, gone for hikes and walks, babysat my grandsons, gone out for a dinner and a coffee date, and completed two small academic writing projects.

As well, Rob and I went for a beach walk on a rainy day, and I tried some new photography techniques.
Patterns in the Sand

This is still a very relaxed pace compared to what I am used to. Most nights, I get nine hours of sleep. Most mornings, I sit around drinking coffee, doing my language lessons, and reading for a couple of hours before I even get out of my pajamas.

But what I have not been doing is progressing on my creative writing and art projects. The last few days, I have felt restless. I have woken up grumpy, having had upsetting dreams about frustration and loss.

"Uh-oh!" I am thinking. "Maybe the honeymoon period of retirement is coming to an end. Maybe I am now going into the part of the retirement transition when I will feel at a crossroads, not knowing what my purpose is."

Karen Hume has written about the retirement transition as being a difficult time: "Your transition to retirement is supposed to hurt. If you are doing it right, there will be a lengthy period of chaos and loss occurring sometime in the first few years of retirement."

So I was thrilled to read Kathy Gottberg's most recent post, "Why wait Until Retirement to Live A Rewarding, Meaningful, and Purposeful Life?" As I have written before, I have had trouble defining my purpose. In her post, Kathy writes about the concept of dharma, and specifically Stephen Cope's perspective of it as explained in his book, The Great Work of Your LifeA Guide for the Journey to Your True Calling.

Dharma, as described by Kathy, immediately fired my imagination. It seems to be a more roomy, holistic notion than "purpose." One's dharma is what you are called to in life -- acting from your sacred duty or your true self.

I used Kathy's list of questions to guide me as I journalled about my dharma. From this process, although I still cannot put into words a single calling, I realized that I have a cluster of themes or foci in my life, or a kind of interwoven tapestry of pursuits, that all point to my dharma. Since my earliest childhood and throughout my life, creative art and writing have been persistent elements in my thematic tapestry.

I had a whole day with nothing scheduled. I didn't even have to cook. I decided that it would be my day for going into my studio and painting.  

After journalling about my dharma, there was still most of the day left. So I did a deep clean of the ensuite bathroom. I even scrubbed every centimeter of the shower tiles down on my knees with a scrub brush.

That went so well that I decided to assemble the shoe rack that I purchased two weeks ago. I set it up and filled it with shoes that had been stuffed in bags since the move.

Then I moved on to the last remaining moving box tucked away in a corner of the bedroom. I unpacked it, found homes for everything, and neatly smoothed out and rolled up the packing paper for reuse.

By now it was mid afternoon. I had not even entered my studio. I was hungry, so I made myself some lunch. While eating lunch, I re-read the chapter of Brene Brown's book Braving the Wilderness, in which she talks about writing yourself a permission slip.

Why was I avoiding painting? I love painting, and feel happy and fulfilled when I do it. I have set up a nice painting studio right in my house. Why couldn't I make myself paint?

I couldn't use my old excuse of not having enough time.

And, by the way, why have I been avoiding working on my novel? I had to put it aside in December for a bit because everything related to Christmas made things really busy. But now January's almost over. Why am I not working on it again?

This is always my battle with creative pursuits. Once I start, I am fine. But I fight the muse and find all kinds of reasons and distractions to not get started in the first place. I have often used external structures to trick myself into starting -- things like NaNoWriMo, signing up for weekly classes, or promising to submit something on a certain date thus creating a deadline.

Composition and Colour
Brown says there are two steps: 1. give yourself permission, and 2. get on the bus (do it). I wrote the two steps on a post-it.

In the late afternoon, I went downstairs, not to my studio but to my office. I put the post-it beside the computer. Then I turned it on and began to work on my novel.

Hello old friend! I am so happy to be writing again.

17 comments:

  1. I guess that's the joy of not having any creative passions - I don't have to feel guilty about not crafting, painting, writing, rhyming, dancing etc - I just do whatever floats my boat on the day - I thought your day of getting lots of stuff done was a day well spent (see how we un-creatives think :) )

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    1. Haha, Leanne, my practical side is very productivity oriented. I always get the most housework done when I am avoiding starting on a creative project. Bait and switch - a wonderful procrastination technique!

      Jude

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  2. Hi, Jude - I agree that we need to give ourselves 'time' and not 'should upon ourselves'...especially in the first year of retirement. When your mind, body and soul are ready, you will paint and write....just as you have proven. PS - I've sent you an email and am ready for coffee anytime!

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    1. Donna, that is a nice thought that all things will happen in their own good time. However, I am not sure that it works that way for me. If I don’t exert a little self discipline, I know that I can easily fall into a couch potato lifestyle and see my days dribble away one after another. I believe that most things in life that are worth doing have an element of challenge in them, and it is all too easy for me to find excuses to avoid doing something hard (even fun things like painting).

      I have responded to your email and look forward to seeing you soon.

      Jude

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  3. You have been very busy! Both in the list of things you’ve done since retirement and the specific day when displacement activities eased out painting. Sometimes I have felt guilty at not doing particular things and then I remember i’m retired and i don’t HAVE to do anything (obviously not counting things that I have agreed with others to do). It’s an idea which takes a little getting used to when you’ve had a demanding work life. Go with the flow and enjoy yourself!

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    1. Anabel, that is great advice to go with the flow. I guess that is still unfamiliar to me, coming from a work life when I valued my time based on how productive it was.

      But the thing with painting is, I WANT to paint, but somehow have a tough time getting started.

      Jude

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  4. Reading your post and then the comments raises a question for me, how do you know when you are procrastinating and when you are just going with the flow? I chose "flow" as my word for 2018, so this question is timely for me. I think your frustrating dreams may hold the answer for your current situation. It sounds like you are ready to "get on the bus." Once again, the answer comes down to knowing yourself and listening to what your intuition is telling you. Good luck with the novel and the painting.

    ~Christie

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    1. Christie, you pose an interesting question. I know that spending time writing and doing art are goals that I am committed to, and that doing these things makes me happy. But I also know that in my work life, I learned to whip myself into action and be productive even when I didn’t really want to do a thing. So am I carrying this production mindset over into retirement? Or am I allowing procrastination to derail my cherished creativity time? The reason that I think it is the latter is that 24 days had passed since the Christmas frenzy was over and the flow of my days hadn’t once led me to write or paint.

      Jude

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  5. Hi everyone. I understand some people have been having trouble with my comment function recently. I have made some adjustments to the blog, and hopefully that will solve the problem. I’ve also tweaked the blog template a bit and would love to have some feedback on the new look. Write your thoughts in the comment section, or if the comment section still is not working for you, you can email me at tadapal@gmail.com. Thanks!

    Jude

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  6. Hi Jude,
    I'm sorry that I'm really late to the party in responding to your blog post.

    I read your post, and Kathy's post, with great interest. For me, purpose and dharma are the same thing - equally roomy, equally holistic. But the word we use matters little. Like you, I find that what matters is taking the time to answer the questions, ponder intentions, and come to some conclusions (tentative or otherwise) about what matters at this stage in life.

    I'm FINALLY (I hope, I hope) at that place - the result of almost three years of transition - so I have to say to you that you are doing phenomenally well after just a few short months. The list of activities you're happily pursuing, the time you're spending in pajamas, the sleep you're getting, and especially your unwillingness to overcommit to obligations - all of these are great, great signs of progress, Jude.

    I am currently reading a book I obtained through interlibrary loan. While it's not easily available, it is so worth the effort of tracking down a copy. The book is called On Writer's Block by Veronica Nelson, subtitled "A New Approach to Creativity". And, while it is specifically about writer's block, you could easily substitute painting for writing.

    Nelson's premise is that writer's/artist's block isn't procrastination, it is meaningful resistance. One simple possibility is that you aren't painting yet, as much as you love it, because your unconscious wants more time to rest, play, and have new experiences. While I completely understand your fear of turning into a sloth, please know that that is simply part of the messy retirement transition. You are a creative woman and you WILL return to that when the time is right. Even better, know that when you do return to painting, your work may well (in fact almost inevitably will) be enriched by the new rhythms you are creating for your life right now.

    It just occurred to me - I always make notes from books I really enjoy. If you want a sort-of synopsis of Nelson's book, let me know and I'll be happy to send you my notes.

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    1. Karen, thanks so much for writing such a long and thoughtful response. When I was first considering whether to retire, I was trying to figure out the answers to all of the questions at the same time. It was overwhelming. So I ended up addressing them in this sequence: whether (July 2016-Jan 2017); when (Jan-Feb 2017); how (Feb-June 2017); to where (Feb-August 2017); to do what (beginning at the same time as whether, and still ongoing).

      So really my retirement transition began about 18 months ago when I left my administrative role. Although I officially retired June 30 of last year, I was on sabbatical for my final year. I still went to my office almost every day, and I was still doing scholarly work, but it was at a relaxed pace. It served as a great way to begin my retirement transition.

      I am so pleased that you have reached that point of clarity about what really matters to you in your third age. It really shines through in your recent blog articles.

      The book by Veronica Nelson sounds like one that I would enjoy. I will look for it.

      Rob had a good comment about why I am not painting. It has been so gloomy and rainy here for the last few months that I am just not feeling inspired to paint landscapes.

      I had another insight about my trouble getting started painting in my home studio. Almost all of my studio painting has been done in community studios at a regularly scheduled time. So when I try to paint at home, two of the usual components are missing: a regular schedule, and the social interaction with other artists. Food for thought.

      Jude

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  7. Hi Jude, I had trouble leaving a comment a couple of days ago. I hope it works this time. As I read your post, I was thinking of Habits. It takes time to form habits, good or bad. So it may take time for you to form the habit of painting or writing regularly. I don't think you have anything to worry about though. Coming from a family of a few writers and painters, I say with confidence that you'll return to writing and painting and may even have a huge burst of creativity. If creativity is in your DNA, it will happen. "Artists never retire" :)

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    1. Hi Natalie: I’m sorry you had trouble leaving a comment. I changed one small technical setting on my blog, and it turned out that it made the comment function not work for some people.

      The idea of forming a writing or a painting habit is very true, I think. When I commit to NaNoWriMo (National Novel Writing Month), the habit of sitting down in front of my computer everyday really makes my story flow. However, I can’t sustain such intense daily writing. I’ve got too many other things going on in my life.

      Artists never retire - I love it!

      Jude

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  8. Hi Jude! It looks like Natalie had the same problem, so I hope it's fixed now (yay). I can't remember what I said in my first comment, but I know that I really related to your issue with getting started with your creative pursuits... I have the same problem. I think it's because they don't have a hard deadline so I keep making other things have priority. This is not good - creativity needs to be up front.

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    1. Janis, thanks so much for alerting me to the comment problem on my blog. Otherwise, I don’t think I would have realized there was a problem. It also prompted me to do some long overdue changes to the template, and the blog roll.

      The problem with getting started — it could be the lack of a deadline, or a regularly scheduled time slot. In my previous work life, I did find that deadlines and schedules motivated me to keep on track. However, I don’t want to apply that productivity mindset to my creative pursuits.

      I actually think that my trouble starting has something to do with fear of looking into the light, or to put it another way, directly approaching my dharma.

      Jude

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